Why Having An Eating Disorder Can Feel Like A Full-Time Relationship: An Extended Metaphor
Eating disorders are often characterized by weight changes, behavior changes, mood changes, and more. Eating disorders survive by ingraining into your identity, personality traits, habits, and quirks. Pursuing eating disorder treatment might make you feel like you are breaking up with a significant other in a relationship.
Often, we think about fights as occurring between two people. Differences in communication styles, needs, preferences, priorities, likes and dislikes, and mental and emotional capacities can lead to conflict and fighting. Whether in friendships, the workplace, internal debates, family dynamics, or romantic relationships, fighting and conflict are key parts of any relationship.
Does This Relationship Look Different With An Eating Disorder?
The short answer is… probably not. The fighting might be between your eating disorder voice and your “true self” voice. It might be between your eating disorder voice and your friends or family trying to support you in recovery-seeking challenges. It might be your eating disorder voice with a significant other who made you one of your “used to be” favorite meals. The arguments might feel even more personal because your eating disorder is making them personal. Dictating, controlling, ordering you around, eating disorder thoughts and ideas are often manipulative, harmful, toxic, and downright inaccurate.
Think About This Relationship Scenario
What would you say if a friend or family member told you that their long-time partner was treating them the same way? Would you say, “This sounds like a healthy relationship, I’d ride it out,” or “I bet they are just having a tough week at work”? Probably not! More likely, as they tell you more sound bites and degrading language their “partner” has used with them — you’d tell them to break the heck up!
Your friend is upset; this partner has been there for them during tough times and has celebrated with them when they’ve pushed themselves, and they always share their honest opinion. Your friend values these traits. They recognize they are growing apart, the fights are happening more often, and their partner is unwilling to let them grow and is not being more controlling, demanding, and more. The relationship no longer serves them and actively brings them down.
So what does this look like? It would likely mean a sit-down conversation, a phone call, tears, and an official breakup in a real human-human relationship. Communication boundaries might be established, social media follower status might be removed, boxes might be shipped – any number of things can happen. But that person is officially out of your life.
Breaking Up With An Eating Disorder May Feel Similar To A Relationship
It is not as easy when you break up with an eating disorder. Because unlike pushing a partner out of the door, the eating disorder is always going to remain with you on the other side. When the voice you are trying to break up with is in your head, it is much harder to shut out. That is why it is so important to have a support network that can help you put distance between who your eating disorder tells you are and who they tell you you are. Instead of pushing a physical human out of your life, you are trying to detangle two narratives with the same voice – your voice and your eating disorder voice. Building an internal door requires rewiring, patience, and practice, practice, practice. But just like recognizing when other relationships do not serve you, it is important to recognize when parts of your relationships with yourself are no longer serving you – it is time to find the door.
Eating disorders not only affect your interpersonal relationships but also impact the relationship you have with yourself. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, relationships can feel like navigating a minefield. You can download our FREE Relationships Workbook to learn practical tools, communication strategies, and more. Click here to download the workbook and get the entire PDF sent straight to your inbox.
Our team would be happy to answer any questions you may have about our programs, services, or to learn more about what recovery might look like for you. Click here to watch our What I Wish You Knew: Eating Disorders and Relationships, 38 Ways To Navigate Them Better Webinar or more about our philosophy here.
This post was written by BALANCE Blog Contributor, Elizabeth Foot (she/her).
Elizabeth is currently pursuing her Master’s of Public Health in nutrition and dietetics from the University of Michigan, on track to become a registered dietician. Prior to returning to school, Elizabeth received her B.A. in Public Policy from Hamilton College in 2020.
Since graduating Hamilton, Elizabeth has worked for an infertility insurance company as a marketing associate, has volunteered with Multi-Service Eating Disorder Association (MEDA), and has advocated on Capitol Hill for expanding insurance coverage to registered dietitians as part of the Eating Disorders Coalition (EDC). Elizabeth is also a strong supporter of intuitive eating, HAES, and is excited to become a licensed practitioner working in the ED field. In her free time, Elizabeth can be found creating recipes, practicing yoga, or counting down the days until she can get a dog.
