For those in eating disorder recovery, returning to life again means reclaiming your identity from the illness. Separating the eating disorder from your long-buried sense of self is a gradual and strenuous process but a profound step toward healing. Saying goodbye to an eating disorder can feel like letting go of a sense of self-control, which leaves many people feeling vulnerable, as they can no longer use their eating disorder to cope with difficult emotions.
By: Emma Hart
People in recovery often feel like they have lost a piece of themselves through the process. It is common for those in eating disorder recovery to grieve their eating disorder self – an identity they have heavily relied on and valued pre-recovery. Although we usually associate grief with the pain felt after a significant loss or death, it can also occur with other types of loss. For example, losing a long-standing coping mechanism, such as an eating disorder, can induce grief. It is okay to grieve your past self while still choosing recovery.
Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist and author, proposed five stages of grief individuals pass through until they heal from their loss and reach full acceptance. Each stage can take different amounts of time for different people, and this process is not linear. Some people may stay in one stage for a long time, while others may switch back and forth between a few stages. Some individuals might not even experience all five stages; others will experience more than five. Remember that there is no “right way” to grieve, as each person’s response to grief and way of processing it is unique. Below are a few examples of how the five stages of grief may present during eating disorder recovery.
Denial and Isolation
When we lose someone or something of great value or significance, it is natural to reject the idea that it could be true. We might minimize or deny the reality of the situation or attempt to rationalize the facts to escape difficult emotions. In eating disorder recovery, this could look like resistance to recovery or treatment and potentially slipping back into some eating disorder behaviors. While still coming to terms with the loss, we might isolate ourselves and avoid letting people in as a line of defense.
Anger
While grieving, anger may be directed toward family members, friends, treatment providers, and oneself. Maybe you are angry at others for not noticing your disorder sooner, or perhaps you are mad at yourself for allowing yourself to engage in disordered eating behaviors in the first place. We might even redirect our anger at the world, feel that what has happened to us is unfair, and wonder what we did to deserve this. Not everyone will experience this stage; others will linger here as they pass through others. As time passes, the resentment and bitterness will fade and be replaced.
Bargaining
This stage may make you feel vulnerable, exposed, or out of control. We might seek to regain control by attempting to make deals, begging, or pleading. You might notice yourself making a lot of “what if” statements (for example: “If only I had sought out treatment sooner”). We might attempt to convince ourselves and others that certain eating disorder behaviors are manageable and appropriate and other behaviors are okay to give up. For example, bargaining in eating disorder recovery can look like, “I will stop using compensatory behaviors, but only if I can restrict in other ways” or “I will follow my meal plan, only if my body stays the same.” This stage often represents our final attempt to latch on to the sense of control we derive from our eating disorder identity. Bargaining is commonly the last line of defense and functions to postpone working towards larger treatment goals and recovery.
Depression
During our journey of processing grief, there comes a time when we let down our defenses and allow ourselves to look at the reality of our circumstances—this period of profound sadness may not be easily defined. We might feel foggy, confused, exhausted, or lost. You may feel the pain of losing your eating disorder in full. This inevitable, deep sadness often expresses, “I need to let go of my eating disorder forever,” or for those further along in recovery, “My eating disorder is no longer part of my identity.” These feelings of depression can last long and linger even as we pass through the other stages of grief. Although challenging, this is an important stage to move through to move forward in your recovery journey fully. At no point in this process do you have to grieve alone – support is always available from loved ones or your treatment team.
Acceptance
Acceptance is characterized by feeling at peace or ease with your loss. This does not mean that you have moved past the loss but rather that you have accepted it and have reached an understanding of its meaning in your life. For those in eating disorder recovery, this might mean coming to terms with the loss of your eating disorder self and its role in your life up to this point. Remember that being at peace with your loss does not mean reaching the end of your grieving journey. Instead, acceptance means looking calmly and rationally at our emotions and experiences. We can recognize and acknowledge our lived experiences and know that there is a future ahead that we must move towards.
The grieving process can be overwhelming to face alone. During this time, we encourage you to reach out to your treatment team or trusted loved ones to discuss your progression through grief and how it relates to your eating disorder. Each of these phases can be challenging, and that is normal. The grieving process is a part of the eating disorder recovery process, and with guidance, you can move through these stages to achieve lasting relief and recovery.
At BALANCE eating disorder treatment center™, our compassionate, highly skilled team of clinicians is trained in diagnosing and treating the spectrum of eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, and other disordered eating behaviors and body image issues. In addition to our full-time Day Treatment Program and Weeknight Intensive Outpatient Program, we offer high-quality programming, nutrition counseling with a licensed dietitian, meal support, and various other groups and resources to help those seeking help for food concerns.
Our admissions team would be happy to answer any questions you may have about our programs and services. Book a free consultation call with our admissions team below, or read more about our philosophy here.
References
American Psychological Association (2020). APA dictionary of psychology. Dictionary.apa.
https://dictionary.apa.org/grief
Kubler-Ross, E. (1969) On Death and Dying. Macmillan, New York.
This post was written by BALANCE Social Work Intern, Emma Hart (she/her).
Emma is a Therapy Intern and graduate student at New York University, where she is pursuing her Master’s Degree in Social Work. Before beginning her graduate program, Emma worked at a neurofeedback clinic where she provided neurotherapeutic services to children, adolescents, and adults with a wide range of diagnoses. She completed her undergraduate degree at the University of Connecticut, majoring in Psychology. Emma’s clinical experience also includes an internship at an outpatient community mental health clinic as part of her social work education. Emma is deeply passionate about eating disorder awareness and recovery and plans to work as a therapist in the eating disorder field after completing her graduate degree.
