Myth or Fact: Nobody Can Love You Until You Love Yourself
“Nobody can love you until you love yourself.” That phrase went viral on the Internet in the early 2010s, and it plagues Pinterest boards and mental health blogs to this day. Disguised as a motivational quote to inspire self-love for those who lack it, this rhetoric often has the opposite effect, especially for those struggling with mental health. Promoting such an idea can be dangerous and detrimental in eating disorder recovery.
At the surface level, this quote appears encouraging. Although many people will love you in your lifetime, the acceptance you can offer yourself is unlike any other. In eating disorder recovery, learning to rely on yourself instead of your eating disorder for validation is crucial in overcoming destructive habits.
It’s Not That Easy
However, this is a challenging process; after long seeking validation from external sources, it can feel unnatural to find it within yourself instead. Many people find themselves pursuing acceptance interpersonally, whether from platonic or romantic sources. But a dependency on external sources of validation is not sustainable in the long run and can quickly become unhealthy. For this reason, encouraging self-acceptance is essential to a long and prosperous recovery.
Loving Yourself Can Be Quite Difficult
Loving yourself can be challenging, especially for those who have experienced low levels of self-esteem for a large portion of their lives. Quotes like these minimize the labor that goes into accepting yourself as you are. In recovery, it is common to feel frustrated about the rate of your progress. Things do not always start looking up right after beginning recovery. It is not uncommon to experience increasingly turbulent emotional states during the first few weeks or months due to your feeling being processed rather than numbed away with disordered behavior.
Recovery Is Not Linear
Throughout recovery, you will experience dips, and you will experience highs. Life will throw obstacles at you that are unrelated to your eating disorder, and you will learn to handle them without sacrificing your well-being. Recovery is about showing yourself compassion even during your darkest days, even when it is challenging to muster up the courage to do so. Some days you may feel like you are worthy of love, and some days you may not; self-acceptance is about knowing that you deserve respect and kindness regardless. For a long time, choosing to care for yourself might be a conscious decision instead of an instinctual reaction.
Loving Yourself Is A Journey
Because loving yourself is a journey, it is illogical to suggest that it is impossible for others to love you until you reach the “destination.” Low self-esteem can cause a person to feel unlovable, and this quote only solidifies the belief that one is not worthy of love due to mental health. This is dangerous rhetoric to promote; it encourages isolation and discourages building a community that can offer valuable support for fear of being burdensome or unwanted. For those in romantic relationships, it can make them feel like they are undeserving of their partner’s love because of their eating disorder.
While recovery is a journey you must take for your own sake, a supportive community can make all the difference in the arduous process. The people that love you want to see you thrive and would be thrilled to watch you learn to love yourself, but they do not see you as less worthy of their affection just because you are struggling. They love you for who you are, not because you filled a quota of thoughts and behaviors that make you “deserving” of love.
While recovery is a journey you must take for your own sake, a supportive community can make all the difference in the arduous process. The people that love you want to see you thrive and would be thrilled to watch you learn to love yourself, but they do not see you as less worthy of their affection just because you are struggling. They love you for who you are, not because you filled a quota of thoughts and behaviors that make you “deserving” of love.
Those who love you want to see you love yourself as well. However, self-acceptance is not as simple as quotes like this make it seem; anyone in recovery can attest to that. Allowing others to care for you when you are struggling can, in turn, encourage you to care for yourself similarly. Understanding how others love you can slowly teach you to do the same. Regardless of where you are in your journey with self-love, you are worthy of the love that others offer you.
At BALANCE eating disorder treatment center™, our compassionate, highly skilled team of clinicians is trained in diagnosing and treating the spectrum of eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, and other disordered eating and body image issues.
This post was written by BALANCE Blog Contributor, Samreen Khan (she/her/he/him).
Samreen is a high school graduate with an ardent drive to de-stigmatize mental illness and eating disorders. Born and raised in the Bay Area, she experienced the harmful effects of “fitspo” culture firsthand for most of her childhood. Throughout her own recovery journey, she became passionate about deconstructing diet culture and raising awareness about eating disorders in her everyday life. Samreen began extending her own ideology of intuitive eating and body neutrality to others by publishing her own writing online when she was fourteen, and has since received several awards for her prose and poetry. She has conducted research on the biological and evolutionary implications of familial mental illness, and is currently taking college-level Sociology and Psychology courses with hopes to delve further into the social and cultural constructs that bolster disordered eating, especially within marginalized communities. She’s grateful for the opportunity to combine two of her strongest passions — writing and mental health — by working with BALANCE!
