How to Support a Loved One Through Eating Disorder Recovery
The support of friends and family can help immensely for someone going through eating disorder recovery. Supporting a loved one in eating disorder recovery can help make difficult moments and events more manageable, prevent and catch signs of relapse, mitigate shame and stigma related to the eating disorder, and provide accountability for meeting treatment goals.
Supporting a Loved One in Eating Disorder Recovery: What To Say
“Would you like me to eat something with you?”
“Would it be helpful for me to cook dinner for you or to order in?”
Offering choices to your loved one can help give them a sense of autonomy, but it also shows that you support their treatment goals and needs.
Friends and family members supporting a loved one in eating disorder treatment face many questions and challenges of their own. One of the biggest questions you may have is: “What do I say?” Below, we offer advice on what to say and not say to help you show up for your loved one in a supportive way.
Supporting a Loved One in Eating Disorder Recovery: What Not To Say
“It’s just food! Just eat already.”
“You should have a salad instead of a hamburger!”
“You shouldn’t have eaten all that.”
“Why can’t you control yourself?”
Eating disorders are not a choice. They are often born out of biological predisposition, behavioral influences, environmental factors, and maintaining influences. For people coping with an eating disorder, food is used as a tool to cope. While the way that the person uses it to cope may look different depending on their particular situation and experience, telling your loved one to “just eat” or “control yourself” does not help. If it were this simple, they would have already done so. These comments can contribute to your loved one feeling more distanced from you.
Do Say
“I know this is not easy. I’m here for you.”
“I can see how much energy you are putting into recovery.”
“I can see how hard you tried during that meal, and it was great that you were able to finish [insert food here].”
The recovery process takes a lot of energy and effort, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Recovery is not linear and includes many ups and downs. Acknowledging your loved one’s efforts can help them feel seen and send the message that you support them no matter where they are in their recovery journey.
Highlight recovery wins, no matter how big or small. For example, even if your loved one didn’t finish their meal, praise them for eating what they could or for trying. When someone you love is struggling, it can be easy to fall into the trap of waiting for the “big” monumental recovery moments. Small victories are essential to building long-term well-being, especially early in recovery. Acknowledging even the small wins that occur each day, as well as being aware of the baby steps your loved one is making, can be a simple yet powerful practice.
Do Not Say
“Wow, you look great! I can see such a difference in your body!”
“It looks like you’ve recovered!”
“I’m so happy you gained/lost X pounds!”
“Why does your treatment team want you to gain so much weight?”
Try to be mindful not to comment on your loved one’s body. Steer clear of discussing numbers: weights, calories, BMI. Every individual has a different biologically appropriate weight, which has nothing to do with society’s body ideals. A person’s body size, shape, or appearance does not fully convey their recovery or emotional state. Furthermore, a common goal in recovery is to shift the focus away from weight and numbers to allow the individual to focus on their body’s needs, what tastes and sounds good in the moment, and what clothes they feel comfortable in.
As previously discussed, recovery includes many ups and downs. There may be moments when your loved one feels more or less hopeful, motivated, or engaged in recovery. Supporting a loved one in ED recovery is crucial. You can act as a container for love, belief, and hope when they may be at a low point.
Authentically sharing this with them is always a good idea. Even if you are struggling with your own faith in their recovery, coming back to the love that you have for them can be a helpful reminder.
BALANCE eating disorder treatment center™, located in New York City, offers free consultation calls to help you explore next steps. We provide in-person programming seven days a week and are in-network with UnitedHealthcare (UHC), Cigna, Emblem, and Oscar, with Aetna coverage coming soon. Support is available, and recovery is possible. Schedule a free consultation call with our admissions team here and stay connected with BALANCE on Instagram here.
References
Parris, A., & McMurtrie, A. C. (n.d.). Eating Disorders 101: What Clinicians Need to Know [Webinar].
The Importance of Support During Eating Disorder Recovery-NEDA. (n.d.). National Eating Disorders Association. Retrieved October 7, 2024, from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/the-importance-of-support-during-eating-disorder-recovery/
This post was written by Therapy Intern Claire Poneman (she/her).
Claire Poneman (she/her) is a therapy intern at BALANCE from Northern Virginia. Claire is pursuing her Master of Social Work (MSW) at Smith College School for Social Work. In her free time, Claire enjoys traveling, trying new restaurants, and painting. She is excited to be interning at BALANCE and to work with BALANCE clients on their recovery journeys.
